Not going to lie… it’s been kind of hard to come up with a way of explaining how to become aware if whether you are disconnected or not. Why? Well, can’t have a formula when everyone is different. Like I mentioned in my last blog post, because of my upraising I believed a bunch of lies about myself, such as needing to be independent and self-sufficient, being unlovable, unwanted, and alone, and having to always be perfect. Because I was trying to hide and not deal with my past I became disconnected with what was going on inside of me and found the quickest ways to cope with it: people-pleasing and codependency.
Since I believed I was unlovable and unwanted, I started people-pleasing in order to receive love and feel loved. And since I chose to not deal with the unmet needs and emotions inside of me, I started co-depending on others, giving the responsibility of getting my needs meet to them. The way I loved myself now depended on how much I did for others, and how the people I co-depended on loved me. Thing is that, whatever you cope with is never enough. Nothing is going to replace connecting and dealing with our issues. For me, their love was never enough, so I drained myself working for love, and drained others to get my needs meet, unconsciously of course, to the point that I would drive them away from our friendship. I went through a lot of pain, and caused some too (don’t worry, I’ve apologized to all these people, forgave myself for it as well, and came to terms with the repercussions of my actions). But I would always find someone else to do things for or co-depend on. It wasn’t until I made the choice to take responsibility of myself and work through my past hurts that I finally was free from those cycles.
To be honest, it took me years to realize that I was caught in these destructive behaviors. My coping mechanisms were so established that they felt “part of me.” But even when you don’t realize something may be going on with you, people around you will. Luckily along my journey, I meet people that genuinely cared about me, not because of what I did for them or what they could get out of me, but because they simply loved me and wanted to see me succeed and be happy. These people noticed that something was off and started asking questions, such as “why is it hard for you to say no? Why do you get angry/irritated/frustrated so easily? Why do things always need to go your way? Why do you always need to be in control? Why do you feel alone even when you are surrounded by people? Why do you want to be best friends with everyone? Why do you want to be best friends with people that don’t even know you? Are you truly happy with how things are in your life right now? Why can’t you rest or take a break? Do you even know yourself outside of others? What are your dreams?” Pretty sure there were other questions, but these are the ones that stuck with me. These questions made me think and started my process of realizing that my ways were masking un-meet needs and undealt emotions.
Connecting again with areas of your life that you know are hurtful or painful is not easy. Trusting people and their input and accepting their help is a big part of it. I know, it’s vulnerable, but good! In the end, no matter how many questions you are asked and how much help you get, it’s going to be up to you to open up and bring up to the surface what’s not being spoken. It’s most likely going to be ugly, but it’s ok, because at some point, all the stuffed feelings simply need to come out and be felt, instead of trying to be fixed. If you feel like you don’t have people in your life that you can trust, simply ask Holy Spirit. No, I’m not getting christian on you, because the cool part about Holy Spirit is that you don’t need to be a christian to talk to him – he’s fully available and accessible if you want to ask him questions or want his input. Now, how to start the connecting process? Well, gotta stay tuned for my next blog post!
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